Sunday, 5 February 2012

Failure drives me.

Thank you 'ss' for sending me a message to prompt me to get back on here.

Please also forgive my absence from your own blogs. I never seem to have the time to write these days let alone respond to all of your wonderful, kind and sincere comments which honestly are the inspiration and encouragement which keep me going through the toughest times.

So, forgive my tardiness in expressing my thanks and I will eventually do my best to write back personally. To all those who have taken the time to write a few words here over the last few months:
ss, Lissie, what if summer, miss margaret, Zoie, Mich, zen, désespérée de mairgrir, Wings to Set me Free, Gracie, a, Domino, Alice, *daisy*, Beth, Harlow B, Victoria, skinnybusiness, LouLou, Karolina, Shauna, stillimagining, Miranda, Posie, Felicia, v, Clear Girl, lottie x, clytie, Silly Girl, Willa, Seraina, any one I have missed and all the many, many anonymous commenters out there who I cannot identify uniquely,
thank you.

So what has happened since I last wrote?
Work, of course, has been unbearable.

The culmination of unhappiness and tension occured the next Friday after I had posted. My boss walked by and said something nasty to me - basically implying I hadn't done any work all morning. Then my manager called me in to 'have a chat'. In which I was again berated for not having done enough work. I was hurt and insulted. I worked harder than most of the people in that department and was being singled out for this kind of treatment. It broke my heart. All of the hard work and dedication I had shown was being thrown back in my face.
I come in an hour before everyone else to work. I was attacked for it. "Is that why your performance is down?"
I looked back in disbelief. I was easily one of the best performers in the whole team, on paper and in work ethic. I couldn't understand how they felt they had any justification whatsoever to treat me like I was the worst employee in the world.

When she finished and left the room, I broke down in hysterical and uncontrollable tears. Openly crying and not caring who saw me, I rushed across the floor to make it to the privacy of the toilets. As I neared my safety destination I saw the Head of HR coming straight towards me. Shit, no, that was the last person I wanted to see me in this state. I ducked into the little kitchen area on the other side, grabbed at the rolls of tissues and stood in the corner, oblivious to the others around me. It was too late, she had seen me, followed me in and took me by the arm.
"Come and have a sit down with me so you can calm down Ophelia."
"No, no, I'll be fine."
"You can't stand here crying..."
"Yes I can."
"No, come on..."
I wasn't going to be able to stop crying any time soon so I feebly gave in and let her gently steer me across the floor to the enclaves of HR.
I sat down, hyperventilating, tears still flowing heavily from my puffy eyes. It took me 20 minutes to stop.

"Ok, what's the matter."
"I'm just unhappy...
...I hate being a failure," I explained. "That's what drives me, the desire to be perfect, the desire to be the best that I can be. I can't stand being a failure."

Yes, I got branded a failure, first by the boss of the department I want to move to, and now by my own boss in the department where I have worked so hard for the last 6 months.

So how have I responded?
1. I am writing a new blog (link to come soon) which explores my views on global and regional politics, international relations and economics. So that in a few months, I can return to the head of the other department, put all that writing in front of him and dare him to question my ability and knowledge again.
2. I have registered for the CFA Level 1 exam and will be taking it at the beginning of June. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the world of finance, the CFA - Chartered Financial Analyst Program, is designed for those involved in investment management and financial analysis of stocks, bonds, derivative assets, etc. The pass rate on the CFA is less than 40%. Needless to say, with my limited experience, it is going to be a ridiculously massive task to pass on my own. Again, I want to go back to the man that turned me down, put this qualification in front of him and say, "I am now well overqualified for this job. Would you like to reconsider your belief that I wasn't good enough?"
3. I am running a marathon in April. Just to prove I can.

I put my study plan in front of my therapist on Monday and she was horrified. I do an hour of study in the morning before I start work. I do an hour of study over lunch. I study or run in the evening. Weekends are study or researching/writing for my new blog.
I was horrified too. But I'm making up for lost time. The years I lost achieving nothing because I was so ill. I WILL NOT LET THIS GET THE BETTER OF ME. I will not be a failure for the rest of my life.

The insenstive bastard didn't reply to my text messages all week. Doesn't acknowledge I exist. Then I get a call at 3am on Friday night. Because he's out, drunk, about to go home and wondering where I am to fuck.
His call woke me up. I didn't answer it. I sent him a text message - to which he still didn't reply. I cried. I couldn't go back to sleep. I binged.

I messaged him yesterday to call me when he had a free moment. Of course he didn't. Not even a message reply. Maybe because he knows I have things to say that aren't going to be very nice.

There was a time when Theo made me smile. In the last few weeks, all he has done is made me cry, made me feel worthless, made me feel unhappy and unloved and alone. I went through all this hell at work on my own, without a single word of comfort from him.

It's very clear why. He doesn't care. I was foolish to imagine he did. He cares when he gets to sleep with me.

I need to be told that I have to walk over to him on Monday and to tell him to never talk to me again. I'm worried I won't.

The problem is that I am inherently unhappy. I am trying to fill up my life with achievements, but I know, somehow, they are not the answer...