Tuesday, 20 December 2011

At 24 don't you realise the stakes are fucking higher now.
I cannot and must not and will, fucking, not, kill myself for him.

Why why why. Why is it the more I love him the more he will destroy me. Because without knowing it he forces my hand to my mouth - to purge, to take laxatives, to eat, to purge

I am now completely under the control of my eating disorder again. I would like to pretend that it was only a matter of time - in fact I know it was - but it's also because of him. Fuck it all, I couldn't do, I knew I couldn't do it. The moment I fell I was doomed. I only want to destroy myself for him, because I have fallen in love with him and because I am completely terrified that I will lose him, and I will lose him because he sees - finally wakes up with clear eyes - and sees that I am fat. and ugly.


I broke tonight. Completely broke. Finally. Battered my vocal cords in the pitch black house, chocking on dry vomit that clogged up my insides. Over and over and over again, it had to come out it had to all come out.

I had ballooned by 3kg since Friday. Like, no, no. No. I'm shaking my head. You don't understand I have to walk by his desk tomorrow, I'm being interviewed by his boss for a position in their departement. You don't understand, I have to prove myself, I have to prove that I am more than face value. I have to walk by his desk tomorrow. So I took three laxatives. And then I fucked it all up by eating. Rice, then cereal, shit, must have more cereal, toast as well, make it easier, add in some peanuts... and then impossible to get back out.
I don't care if I die bent over this toilet.

I didn't care.
Puffy and swollen.

The anxiety from Friday hasn't left me. I just crave Theo now, I crave his warm body, I crave the feeling of him. Shit. I can remember exactly how his body feels beneath my fingertips.

I cried my eyes out, hunched over the kitchen sink. I nearly lost everything. and look at me, throwing away everything I was so lucky to earn back . I'm throwing everything away again. FOR THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER.

It won.
Hell, how can I fight. I have no resources left. Except my legs
- to run

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Logical Conclusions

I came home on Wednesday night realising that I had fallen hard.

It was the leaving drinks of one of the management team and much of the office was out for the party - Theo included.

I nervously watched the door of the venue until he came, the girls I worked with laughing at me for my childishness.
When he finally arrived it was a while before we spoke to each other, and when we did it was just casual and normal as it would be between any work colleagues. As the evening began to wear on we became more flirty and more separate from the rest of the crowd. He looked gorgeous as ever, his big brown eyes burning into mine and making me so hungry for him. I wanted to hold his hand, wanted to cuddle up close to him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to be open about our relationship, but I couldn't because people that we worked with were around. It killed me. It made me anxious.

At one point I turned wild with jealousy when I saw him talking to another girl from my department who I was not friends with and didn't particularly like. She was just talking to him. I turned flustered and paranoid to Luke, "Look! He's flirting with Sarah! Look! Fuck him!"
"Woah, woah, Ophelia, calm down, it's nothing ok, it's harmless. Listen, you are hot, ok. He's not going to flirt with other girls."
"But look!"
"Ok, listen, I'll have a word in his ear and be like, Ophelia's here, what are you doing, don't flirt with other girls - alright?"
"Oh would you do that?!"
And without me being able to think about it or stop him, he barged over and had a word in Theo's ear. I followed behind anxiously, and apologised, shocked that I had resorted to such a desperate measure.

As the bar started to clear out, I was briefly left behind inside putting on my jacket. Through the windows across the floor I could see Theo outside talking animatedly to Sarah again. The red mist descended immediately and I stood frozen to the spot, glaring at them from afar. A slimy guy approached me and I gave him a foul look. Theo should be with me to stop dickheads like that getting close to me. But no, he wasn't even thinking about where I was, he was outside talking to that fucking bitch again. I stormed out and grabbed hold of Rhianna's arm rushing away to follow everyone else walking ahead.
"Where are you going?" She asked, "What about Theo?"
"Fuck him!" I said loudly, "he's busy flirting with Sarah, I'm done, I'm going!"

It was Theo, rushing up behind me.
"Hey, hey, where are you going?! What's the matter?!"
I stared at him angrily.
"You can fucking talk to who you want, ok, it's fine! Do what you want!"
"I'm sorry! She was flirting with me, she was asking what a CDS was!"
"It doesn't matter ok, you're free to talk to who you want."
"No, no it does matter, I'm sorry. When I saw you storm off like that..." he trailed off and held my face in his hands.
I looked away.

I felt awful. I had overreacted like a jealous, mental, freak. I'd shown him my true colours. I was the one in the wrong - not him. We left everyone else and walked, finding bars that were still open, kissing, walking, finding fast food to eat.
"You look really cute tonight," he said, "really cute."
He told me that he admired me for the things I had been through. He admired that I was a fighter, he admired that I was so strong. I shook my head. "Look at me, I'm fucking insecure, I'm not strong - I pretend."
"You have a really messed up view of men," he said. "You've only ever known stereotypical boarding school boys, army boys, lads that see women for one thing." He was trying to tell me he was not one of them. But I couldn't believe him.

...and yet...
I did....

...He ran after me when I stormed off because I saw him talking to another girl. He comforted me, he told me I was beautiful, he made me feel so safe and happy and loved.
Yes, fuck it all, yes, I felt loved.

* * *

It hurts to write about this next part. I will write it down and then try and erase it from my memory - try to pretend that it never happened and neither of us will remember it.

* * *

So Friday was the office Christmas Party. Lots of things happened that are blog-worthy, but I will stick to the bear essentials so that I do not have to endure the pain of remembering and analysing too much of this night.

Of course I put in all the effort I could to make sure I looked perfect, including running for three hours on an empty stomach the day before and making myself feel immeasurably ill.
All evening I just watched him.
Became paranoid when I lost him.
Avoided talking to him if I could.

I just wanted him. I wanted him to come and find me, come and get me, come and claim me.

I can't write about this coherently.

Towards the end we were outside talking to one of his friends, James, who was asking about how we managed to keep our relationship separate from work. We didn't know what to say.
At one point my boss had come up to him and explicitly said, "Are you fucking Ophelia?!" It was apparent by now that everyone knew.
We left the party venue to go to a nearby club in the City.
I saw him pause and watch to check that I was coming along with the crowd. I was pleased.

But then, when we finally got in to the club he didn't come in with us.
I flipped. I was so angry. He hadn't come in with me, he was with other people, I didn't know where he was, had he gone home, had he left without me, how could there be other people he wanted to be with, how could I not be the most important thing for him.
I went to the toilets and cried. Another girl I worked with comforted me.
I was so angry.
He had proved Rhianna right. I was angry because he had proved her right. He didn't like me enough to stay with me, to claim me.
I picked up my phone to text him, "Goodbye, hope you have fun." I stopped myself and instead wrote, "Are u coming."

He came.
(Of course he fucking came.)
He was just outside, smoking and talking to a group of others - like I had known deep-down all along he was.
But the damage was done. I'd been broken.
I ignored him.
I was in so much pain. The anxiety had twisted me up into a knot and I was choking.
I couldn't control it, I couldn't reign it in, I needed him, I needed him all or nothing. I couldn't control the ridiculous, irrational, anxiety and it was impossible to make me see reason.

Theo slowly began to calm me down again and put the smile back on my face. We were outside smoking when the club closed and everyone remaining began to gather outside with us deciding what to do next. Theo knew what I wanted, we had made the decision on Wednesday to stay in a hotel together. And yet he wasn't making a move to leave them.
I got left talking to the dickhead of the office, John, who I had fallen out with one night back in October when he ignorantly made a joke about bulimia.
That pushed me over the edge.
Fuck Theo.
He was doing it again, he wasn't claiming me.
"I'm going," I said bluntly to John.

And I walked off, tears brimming in my eyes. I wanted Theo, we were supposed to have a lovely night together.

Halfway down the road, I stopped.
I was being stupid.
This behaviour wasn't going to get me what I wanted.
I walked back.
I had a missed call from Theo. I was too embarrassed to answer.
I walked back over to him. John laughed in my face. I probably swore at him.
I ran over to the little shop across the road, intent on buying food to stuff my face. Theo stood outside anxiously watching me. I probably swore at him too.
he came inside the shop and I put my hands to my head to agony. "I want to eat. But I can't."
He took me outside and calmed me down. John was standing across the road staring at us. I was on edge and flipped. Theo was clearly upset by my behaviour and anxiously held on to me as he asked me what was wrong.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm so sorry. Please, can we just get away from here?"
"Where to?"
"Can we just go away from here!"
"A hotel"

How hard was it to understand what I needed Theo? I needed you. I just needed you.

He did his best to comfort me, "You're so gorgeous, how do you not see that?"
"I just don't ok."
"How can you not wake up in the morning and see how beautiful you are. How can you not wake up and think, yeah, I'd fuck that - I would."
I couldn't even laugh, I just hung my head with sadness.
It was - it is - incredibly sad, that a guy can sit there, hold her hand, care about her, tell her she is beautiful, believe that she is beautiful, and yet the girl he speaks to is fighting back the tears because she cannot believe him.

When we got back to the hotel, I was still incredibly tense and anxious. I looked in the mirror and saw the ugliness. I wanted to smash it, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. But I would spoil everything.
my memory is patchy now. We had sex, but then I fell apart. I cried.
Fuck it, I cried in front of him again. I turned away and refused to explain why I was so upset.
I think I told him something about being really insecure. I can't remember. I probably told him it doesn't matter, he wouldn't understand. Nothing. It's nothing.
All I could think about was how ugly I was, and how he had seen that now, especially now I had cried.

I woke up in the morning feeling cold, empty and horribly sober. I peeled myself out from underneath his arm and hid my face as I ran off to the bathroom to shower and fix the damage. I banged and crashed around the bathroom, still full of anger, huffing and puffing like a spoilt child, anxious in case he woke up and saw my face. With sober eyes it really wasn't that bad.
I remembered my behaviour last night and felt cold.

This was how I lost Alex. Exactly the same. That morning with him I had woken up insecure about the way I looked and acted like a spoilt child who hadn't got her way. I had hidden away and refused to go to breakfast with him.
I had done the same with Theo. I had gotten insecure because he (understandably and naturally!) hadn't stayed by my side all night and I had cried, run off down the road, come back and acted like an insecure freak.

I crept back into bed silently, full of shame. His back was turned to me.
It broke my heart.
His back was turned to me the way Alex's back had been turned to me on the morning when our relationship had come crashing down.
I looked at Theo's cold back and knew that I had lost him. I had lost him because of my insecure, irrational and childish behaviour - exactly the same way that I had lost Alex. I cuddled up to him and tried to get him to put his arm around me again. He wouldn't. He was fast asleep.

I needed him to wake up, I needed to know that it was all ok.
I had no one but myself to blame. Theo had done nothing wrong. It was my insecurity that had painted him as the bad guy. I had acted completely out of line when all he had done was act normal and kind to me.
I slowly woke him up with kisses - maybe I can cure this with sex, I thought - maybe I can pretend like nothing happened, maybe he will not remember, maybe I can say that someone else upset me, that there was a reason for it which had nothing to do with him, or with me being mental.

Somehow, thank God, it was alright. I apologised and everything went back to normal. I hadn't lost him, he wasn't cold to me, he was lovely, I still had him. We laughed and talked and played and had the most perfect sex, thank God, thank God. It was alright.

It is still going to be alright though? I don't know. He won't forget the way I behaved. He won't forget the tears rolling down my cheeks and the pain that was reflected in them. He's smart in the way that he sees these things.

Later he asked me again if I was completely over my eating disorder. I told him again that I was, yes, but it was going to be something that I would always have to fight.
"You saw what happened last night. Sometimes I have a bad moment and I have to fight the insecurities again. That will never go away. I will never wake up and love what I see, I will always have to fight this."

Ultimately, I nearly lost him because of my insecurity and my eating disorder. If I learnt anything from my relationship with Alex it is that I cannot hide my problems from someone forever. They will find out because it will come out, and they will not be able to handle what they see. Friday night was proof that I still do not have control over my anxiety and irrational, insecure behaviour. And I have got to get a grip. I have got to work hard to fight it. I cannot brush this under the carpet any longer. I cannot be an actress on a stage for one night at a time. If I want anything more with Theo I will have to drop the act because I could never hold out a long term role like that. So, I either let him see the real, broken, torn and unhappy side of me and the horrible, sick world I live in; or I stop behaving like a reckless hedonist and mend, and heal and become a real human girl in a real human world.

While I sit in bed at my laptop writing this, he is probably sitting in bed analysing everything as well. I only have myself to blame if he comes to a logical conclusion and walks away.

In a crazy way, I probably acted as badly as I did on Friday because I realised that I was falling in love with him.
I am.
I'm falling in love with Theo.
And that makes me petrified, because the logical conclusion... is not a pretty one. If he doesn't ruin it, I will.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

I want to keep smiling

It nearly didn't happen. Millie and Rhianna spent all of Tuesday trying to convince me that Theo didn't really like me. I was devastated and broken, but mostly I was angry. How dare they tell me who I should or shouldn't date, telling me that I'm nothing to him, just another girl he can fuck, that he should be behaving in a way that they deem more appropriate, chasing me like a lovesick puppy. I was furious and my self-esteem was in shatters again. Sure, he was rubbish at replying to my messages and never gushed his feelings towards me, but I'd only really known the guy a few weeks! They sat me down and told me that taking him out on Friday would be a terrible mistake because he didn't like me and would only hurt me.

But I am a rebel. I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do, and my God, thank goodness that I do! I remembered the way we had talked for hours, I remembered the way we had laughed, I remembered he had made me feel something I hadn't felt for such a long time.
I ignored their words and went ahead with my surprise, took him to the Light Bar on St Martins Lane in Leicester Square and then a bright, glamorous hotel off Oxford Street.

And yes, yes dear readers, I was right, everything about it was perfect, perfect, perfect!

"Why do you like me?" he asked.
"Because you make me smile - and I like smiling."
"...You have a beautiful smile."
I touched his hand and looked at him intently to express my thanks. His eyes told me he was telling me the truth.
He carried on, " I don't know why you worry about your weight, your body is perfect, don't ever change. You look gorgeous tonight. You must know you do."
I melted inside. "Thank you... so do you."

I gave him a Christmas card with the room key and room number. "Happy Christmas".

"This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me - and the sexiest. Thank you, seriously, I don't deserve this."
I beamed. "Yes you do."

I made it clear that this surprise night out and hotel was a Christmas present, but he still made the gesture to take me to a restaurant for dinner during the night and then out to lunch the next morning. We sat down to lunch at 12 noon and stayed in the same seats for 7 hours straight. Its incredible to say, but the time just passed so fast and so wonderfully as we talked and talked, learning about each other.

Yes, we met after work at 6pm on Friday and left each other at 7pm on Saturday - over 24 hours together, and every moment just so wonderful.

He wanted to know what I had been doing since I graduated and what the big secret that I kept about it was.
I asked him what his inclin was. He hesitated. Somehow I knew that he had worked it out.
"Go on, tell me what you think it might be," I demanded.
He shook his head, clearly troubled. I kept pushing him, it was going to be better if he worked it out than if I told him cold.
After more hesitation, he finally chose his words, "...Something to do with an eating disorder..."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it's something you've spoken about a fair amount."
I took a deep breath and nodded slowly. I trusted him now, I had let him in, he knew me and he cared about me. So I nodded and told him about my eating disorder - I explained where I had been since I graduated, why I had left London, how long I was in treatment. He took it so well, never saying a word to interrupt me, just remaining so sincere and kind. He let me in too - he let me see the softer side of him, the gentle sensitiveness that he kept hidden to the rest of the world.

I felt like even though he knew nothing about eating disorders, he understood, he was different. I saw the way he looked at me had changed. I wasn't just some pretty girl to him. I wasn't even just some pretty, intelligent girl or just some pretty, intelligent and fun girl. He did something that Alex had never been able to do - he looked at me and saw all my scars, my bruises, my battle wounds - and he saw that they had made me beautiful inside.
I always said about Alex that I was beautiful in ways he could never understand until he experienced pain - and it was true - what makes me so beautiful and special is the side of me that I can express here, my head full of beauty, my heart full of love, my body full of scars. Alex had never felt my beauty. He was cold, scientific and unemotional. Theo is not like that. Intelligent, masculine, practical, yes, all those things that Alex was, and yet still capable of looking at me in a way I'd never seen anyone look at me before. He looked at me like I was beautiful - inside.

Of course I didn't tell him that I was still bulimic now. He is never going to know about that.
I cheerfully told him I was better now as I stuffed my face with fish and chips and helped myself to his chips too.
"Look at what I eat, obviously I'm ok now! I never want to go back to feeling like I did when I was at my worst, ever."

I should feel bad for lying to his face. But I don't. I will not let my eating disorder ruin what I have with Theo. I will lose him if he knows, just as I lost Alex, and lost every other guy I'd ever liked. People can't handle it.
After an incredible night out, incredible sex, incredible intimacy, it was wonderful to spend those seven hours with him where we just chatted and laughed and smiled.

Millie and Rhianna had been calling me all day and I didn't answer them. When I finally picked up my phone, Rhianna shouted out me and told me I was out of order for ignoring them when I was Theo. I put the phone down and burst into tears, turning away from him so he couldn't see my face.
"I'm sorry," I said "I have to go."
They were making me go out to Public in Chelsea with Millie's boyfriend and his friends. After everything we had talked about - my illness, my Mum, my circumstances, I only finally burst into tears when Rhianna spoke to me like I was a piece of shit over the phone in front of him.

He pulled me close at the tube station as we said goodbye and kissed me tenderly. He thanked me again, and I smiled, "You're so welcome, I'm glad you had a good time."

I was so angry and hurt and upset by the way Rhianna had spoken to me on the phone. I went home, stuffed my face, threw up, put on a little tea dress and flats and went to meet them. As I walked over Millie looked at me in poorly disguised horror. Everyone else was dressed up to the overdone maximum. I shrugged, sure I felt like crap but I was making a point. I wasn't here to attract a bunch of random men I didn't give a fuck about. I wasn't going to make her happy by getting with someone she deemed more appropriate.
"I'm bring Jimmy's single friends for you to meet, 'Real men'," she had said.
Real fucking men? I wasn't attracted to a single one, there wasn't one under the age of 29. Who did she think she was trying to tell me what was good or bad about a guy. She had treated Theo so unfairly considering she didn't even know him at all and made both me and him feel like shit. I made friends with 'the mean girls', what did I expect. Rhianna spent all of today telling me how hot the guy she got with was and how skinny everyone kept saying she was. Even Millie's boyfriend was lusting after her 'body of a 6 year old'.

I went to my therapist yesterday for my last 'follow up' session since leaving treatment in June. And as a result I am now going back into treatment again. Sad isn't it. I couldn't get better, I still treat my body like shit, I still have no control over my bulimia, I still want to be thin more than anything else. I will find out later this week if I have to go to the bottom of the waiting list again or if I can start straight away.

It is our work Christmas Party on Friday, and that date - Friday 16th December - is ruling my life. I am petrified and sick inside at the idea of looking fat and ugly especially standing next to my two ultra-gorgeous, ultra-stick-thin friends. I will be the ugly, fat brunette one.
I ended my friendship with Rob in the office because he was bad for my recovery and self-esteem. I have to put myself first again, I have to stay away from people that make me feel like shit about myself. Fighting to block out my own voice is hard enough.

"What do you want from me Ophelia?"
"You make me smile. I want to keep smiling."

Monday, 5 December 2011

"All little girls should be told they are pretty"

It's funny, the way the world works out.
Theo and I had an incredibly fun time last Thursday when we went out - an undeniably incredible time.
So you can understand why I was very confused when he became extremely flakey afterwards and refused to commit to another night when we could go out again. I have always been very straight up and direct when asking him out and was so again.
He told me that he was busy all this week after work and when I tried to suggest a date of next Friday, I was told that this was too far in the future to know if he was free or not! I was fuming with anger.
That's it, I decided, just like all the other guys, you get one chance with me, and if you can't show me that you want me, then I do not have the time to waste.

I imagined that for my next blog post I'd be sitting here at my laptop bitter and bitching about his behaviour towards me, but I'm glad to say that from this point onwards, this post takes a much more positive turn...

The only time Theo and I ever really come into contact at work is when our teams have our Friday afternoon meeting. This Friday was no exception, and because I had taken the morning off, I also indulged in the luxury of having a blow dry at a hair salon near to the office. He had turned down a date with me and ignored me this week, so I had to make sure that when he saw me in this meeting I blew his little public schoolboy socks off.

Hoping that I did, I checked my phone again after the meeting was over, just like I had been checking it incessantly all week, in the hope that he would have seen sense and would text to ask me out. Nothing.
So I decided to thow my dignity out of the window and text him one last time.
"Sooo any idea if you're free next Friday yet?"
"Haha why, what's happening?"
"Nothing special, just me."
"What did you have in mind?"
"A surprise..."
And then no reply.


Rhianna and I decided to go out for a drink after work, and as I waited for her by the lifts I saw the group of them leave: Theo, Cassio and two other guys from their department.
A cheeky glint formed in my eye. 'Let's go find them', I suggested to Rhianna. She grinned and agreed, knowing the fun that could ensue...

The office boys always stuck to the same Friday night watering holes so it was easy to find them. Overcome and giggling like schoolgirls we bought our drinks and settled in another area, chatting comfortably. Once an acceptable amount of time had passed we went over and started chatting to them, pretending to be surprised to bump into them. It was all fine, all normal, all fun. Me and Theo were easy and normal, but we quickly broke away from the group. As we smoked outside one of the other guys, James, came out to join us.
"I'll be gone in a minute", he said to us jokingly, "and leave you two to your sexual tension".
Assuming that he already knew and Theo had told him, I pretended to cheekily laugh it off.
"Haha, what! I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Look, it's obvious, I'm very good at picking up on these things," he said.

As the bar started to close up, we decided to move on to a club in The City called Abacus. Theo was already very drunk. We lost Rhianna and Cassio briefly, and as we waited for James by the toilets, Theo finally forgot his inhibitions, pulled me close and kissed me. James came out and saw and ran off from us, grinning but slightly embarrassed. I shrugged at Theo, oh well!

The rest of the night was somewhat awkward, Theo and I were blatantly together and Cassio was there to witness me with my arm tightly and comfortably around him. I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I didn't like Cassio, and now that he knew the type of girl I was, there was no way he would like me either. He already hated Theo, so it all made very little difference.
It was great being with him. He made me feel so happy and so bright. I loved holding his hand, I loved his hands on me, I loved having his body close.
I spoke to him bluntly:
"So are you free next Friday or not? Why are you so difficult?"
He apologised, "I just really didn't want things to interfere with work, I didn't want it to be an issue."
"Ok, I understand. But listen, work is work, it's completely separate to your social and personal life. At work we are just colleagues who barely see each other, outside work, we can be whatever we want."
He nodded. "Ok, next Friday. I'm free."
I smiled cheekily. "Good, its going to be fantastic."

After everyone else had left the bar, Theo and I chilled for a little longer, kissing in a seating area downstairs. Eventually as this club began to close up as well, we left and began walking North. We both knew what we wanted, and although I wanted it more than anything, I found it impossible to admit.

He walked me to an open newsagent so I could buy some chocolate. As usual, I hadn't eaten all day and was in desperate need of something to give me energy. As we walked past the same hotel we had stayed in two weeks ago, we stopped and lingered.

"Let's just do it," I said.
I paid for the room and in we went.

We had been outside, walking and kissing in the late night rain and my first instict was to lock myself in the bathroom and refresh my hair and makeup.
"Don't put anymore makeup on!" he demanded.
"I mean it, don't, it won't change a thing. You look gorgeous."
"Shut up."
"You look gorgeous. Make up doesn't make you look prettier. It doesn't change your features."
I looked at him with big, grateful eyes. He thought I was gorgeous as I was.

In the morning it was the same. Sex, conversations and laughter. We play-fighted and laughed like people who had known each other for years. He talked to me about work, economics, education. We sat in bed looking at my 'Introduction to the Financial Markets' textbook as he explained yield curves to me. We laughed and joked about silly, childish things. We talked about things so effortless that I can't even remember what they were.

He ran his hands across my back, his fingertips lingering.
"Look at your shoulder blades..." He said adoringly.
"They're just... You just have like no body fat on you..."
I melted inside. Of course he was exaggerating, but it meant so much. He liked my body. It was worth it, everything I had done, all the running, all the pain, all the time, all the effort.
He will never know how much it meant to me that he lay in bed with me and my naked body and adored it in the way he did.

We checked out at noon and he suggested we go and get some 'breakfast'. Only when we got to the street of restaurants and eateries did we realise that for the rest of the world it was actually lunchtime.

We stopped by a really cute, cosy place which did homely British food. He had a burger and chips while I tucked into a fish pie and chips. I smiled the whole way through, not caring about my expanding waistline, but enjoying the lovely warm food and flavours, and of course, enjoying his company most of all. Even when we had finished eating and paid and the restaurant began to clear out around us, we stayed chatting incessantly. It was 4.30pm when I finally had to tell him I needed to leave and go home.
It was me that had to say it.
After we had finished eating, at every next moment, I expected him to say we should get going and leave. But he didn't, he just sat there, happy being with me. It meant the world to me that he did that. It's not just sex. It's more. And that makes me smile. We sat there talking while the restaurant cleared out and emptied around us, until we were the only table left.

I never want him to know about my eating disorder. He can know it was in my past but I never want him to know about the shit I do now. I don't want what destroyed my relationship with Alex to destroy what I have with Theo.

So I'm seeing him again on Friday. I'm surprising him - It's his Christmas present. I'm taking him to a restaurant at one of the best hotels in Mayfair and have booked a room for us to stay there afterwards. I want a date where I can dress up and pretend to be rich and glamorous for a day. So yes, while I am blowing loads of money on him, I'm also blowing loads of money on treating myself to having my own little fantasy come true as well.

It's going to be magnificent. I'm going to feel like a rich princess for an evening. Of course it would be a little more perfect if it was a surprise that he had planned and he was paying for, but that's slightly irrelevant. My only fear is that he might be overwhelmed and run from me thinking that I'm too in love with him or something.

Millie called me once I had left Theo on Saturday afternoon and shouted at me. She doesn't think that he likes me because he wouldn't give me an answer about our next date and she believes that he should be the one chasing me. She told me I made a big mistake in sleeping with him for a second time and that I was goning to get hurt. I know she said those things because she cares about me, but at the same time she doesn't understand who I am and my philosophy on life.
I might die tomorrow. I can't take my money with me, so I'm gonna spend it all on looking my best and having the time of my life. What happened with Theo on Friday made me happy. I felt so alive and was smiling from the heart. Next Friday is gonna cost me well over £400 but I don't care because I'm gonna have the time of my life.
I don't live for the future, I live for the moment. I live for the extreme highs. I do not do mediocre in-between.

The only way Theo will truely hurt me is if he makes me think our relationship is more than it is - if he makes me think he's in love with me when he's not - or if he stops seeing me for another girl instead.
At the moment I'm still in control, we're still just having fun, still just getting to know each other.

Of course this week is gonna be intense because I'm gonna have to look my absolute thinnest and absolute best for Friday night. But you know, when I'm doing it for something like this - for someone who I know appreciates it - it's enjoyable. I love it. Burning calories becomes my ultimate high because I know how thrilling and wonderful it will feel when he sees me looking stunning on Friday. No feeling compares to that.

"All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't," said Marylin Monroe.
I thoroughly agree. It has made me the happiest girl in the world to be told the things that Theo told me, and to be told them by Theo, because his opinion means everything to me. It makes my eating disorder a happy thing, that gave me happiness, and will give me even more.