Tuesday, 14 June 2011

With all my everlasting love, Goodbye...

Well, I got the job.
I spent the last three weeks living and breathing the company and the role, preparing myself completely for the onslaught of interviews. Every spare moment pouring over economics textbooks, business journals and newspapers, paperbacks and online resources. I did everything I could to get that job.
I sat on the train on my journey home with my eyes closed and sent my thoughts up to the sky please let me get it, please, please

I start in 4 weeks, straight after I finish at the school.
Right back in the centre of the City of London. where I belong. where I can thrive, work hard and play hard

back to my best
whatever that best is

I got the call to say I'd been offered the job in the middle of my therapy session. I was overjoyed. My therapist congratulated me. We talked about the incredible progress I had made. We talked about the end... We decided that my last session will be the week before I start my new job.
The sun was shining outside, I felt invincible.
I was doing it. I am doing this. Ready or not, this is the end now - I'm choosing life, I'm choosing to take the opportunity I have been given, I'm choosing to grab hold of everything I have and run with it.

Maybe I will always have an eating disorder, but somehow it feels irrelevant because I've dragged myself out of the hell and depression that once consumed me and I know I'm never going back there so long as I live.

"7 months ago, I had nothing. I had no life, no hope.
I have hope now, I have a whole life of opportunity in the City of London waiting for me if I want it."

You see what I've written in my 'About Me' section on the right hand side of this page? Well that day came today. I've been through the hottest fires, I'm made of the strongest steel.
I've made it; I'm ready.

I've been writing for two and a half years - but it's been a lifetime on these pages.
That lifetime in my head full of beauty is over now.
I'm going to live for real. My dreams and ambitions are calling me.

With all my everlasting love,


Saturday, 11 June 2011

Blurred Sweet Nothings

I have a final interview on Monday for the company I desperately want to work for. Final round interview. Role play business meeting and pitch.

Less than a year ago - seven months ago in fact, I was sitting in a bitterly cold, dark London suburb. I wanted to die. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted the body I hated so much to be ripped apart, ripped to shreds. I binged and threw up, binged and threw up, binged and threw up... I felt nothing else other than the desire for pain and death.

I do not feel like that anymore. In fact I cannot even put myself into that headspace. I do not want to die. I no longer have that deadly chilling sadness running through my blood.

A few moments ago I lay in my bathroom cured up in a ball on the floor. A floor splattered with blood and vomit. Every time I coughed up food my nose began to bleed. I had to get every last morsel out, bending as far over as I could until I was almost bent double. Again. Again. Again. Fuck you. Fuck you YOU MONSTER.

I haven't self harmed for 7 months. I haven't cut myself with a blade since December. i havent got a knife
havent got a knife
You can only see the patterns now if you look very closely. I haven't got a knife.
i run my hand under the hot water tap. It's not hot enough to scald me. Hot shower then.
I haven't got a mother fucking knife anymore. Else it wouldn't be 7 months, believe me.

On the other side of my bathroom wall is a bedroom with 4 girls in. there's only 3 now. One got sent home two weeks ago. anorexia.
There's bulimia here too. Some do it in the showers.

Everyone who knows about my eating disorder thinks I'm in recovery. No matter, even if they knew the truth and wanted to support me, I'd never call. Pride. I'm fine. I'm so fucking fine. I'd have no idea how to turn to a shoulder to cry on even if it was there for me.
I wanted to call my Mum. She thinks I'm better.
I wanted to call my friend. I'm far too proud.

7 months ago, I had nothing. I had no life, no hope.
I have hope now, I have a whole life of opportunity in the City of London waiting for me if I want it.
But the fact is, the only thing I'm certain I want is to be thin. And for as long as I want to be thin, I will always have an eating disorder. And as long as I have an eating disorder, I will never have anything else.