I mentioned a few posts back that I was off to have an assessment for psychotherapy on the NHS. So I feel I should update you on how it all went.
Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa
Ok, let me stop myself there. I need to say at this point that anything sarcastic/rude/mean that I say about my therapist or my session is just my frustration talking. She actually turned out to be one of the nicest people I've ever had to talk to (out of several doctors, nurses, councillors and other random do-gooders). She was the first person that I have ever spoken to who I did not feel was judging me. I would even go so far as to say that she understood. My words made sense to another human being - it was incredible - in an odd way, for the first time, I felt sane.
So, it was quite revealing - all the stuff I had to talk about. My non-existent, fucked-up relationship with my Mum. My alcoholic Dad drinking himself to the grave when I was a child. As a teenager, the hated of my ugly, putrid face and the hatred of my body, my filthy, disgusting body. And now, my inability to eat like a 'normal' person.
I never completely made the connections before... all the shit that my head descended into when my relationship with my parents disappeared. The way I can't think about my Dad without a mixed sensation of anger, sadness and longing. The way I can't face my Mum without wanting to harm myself. It all started to fit together in my head... the ragged bits of my life and history started to form a picture of who I was today.
Anyway, like I said, this was just the initial assessment. I won't start proper therapy for another 4-6 months (bloody NHS waiting lists). In the mean time I got given literature and plans to try to implement before I started therapy.
You should see the suggested meal plan.
As if I'm going to eat that much and keep it down.
Almost everyone I know comes from a privileged background.
I forget sometimes, that I am not one of them.
My past is black, my history is grim, and no one knows - no one will ever know.
I am Ophelia: chatty, confident, charismatic.
Skeletons in my closet...
... bones, bones, oh beautiful bones.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago