I've been wanting to write for days now.
But it's all been quite depressing.
And everything I wanted to write about... has somehow disappeared from my head...
All I know is that I feel quite dead.
This week is going to be hell.
Quite simply, full on, full throttle, burning hell.
Ok. I've got to submit my first assessment next Monday - one week away. Ok. That's ok, you know, it's ok. A week is ages. I used to knock out essays in a day at uni. I know my topic, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. And I will. Fuck the rest of the shit in my life.
I WANT TO BE TOP OF MY CLASS IN EVERY SINGLE ASSESSMENT.
Perhaps more than anything I want to prove a point. Ask any member of my class who the least intelligent person is and I guarantee every single one would say me (yes I know I have an inferiority complex/paranoia anyway but I still think they genuinely believe this.) And I know it's my fault that they and my tutors all probably think this - because of the way I act/talk/look. (None of the girls in my class wear any makeup - well ONE wears eyeliner - and I always make a massive effort to look my best, even though it's a conscious effort to look casual and studenty...arghhh jeans).
Anyway. At school I used to be top of my class in every subject, from art to science, and I damn well know there is no reason why I should not be top of my class in law school. In fact I SHOULD be top of my class. (and I cannot believe I am here on this blog when I should be studying!! kick me.)
But that has nothing to do with why this week is going to be hell, really, aside from the fact that I need to be spending every second working on that essay. Basically. I am fucking H-U-G-E right now. All weekend, all I have done is eat and throw up shitloads of bread. over, and over, and over... I am puffed up like a balloon and my tummy sticks out three miles. I look like a serious fat person. So... so... gym every day and no food. Fuck everything. I cannot eat. I will not ruin EVERYTHING. But on Tuesday I have an assessment day/training for a part time job as a waitress. AND I NEED THIS JOB. If I don't get it... well... failure... is not something I can handle - at all. And I've got to go in a white shirt and black trousers - basically two items of clothing I simply cannot wear without tearing at myself in the mirror - so I need to be thin - and I'm not thin - but I need to look great - because I need to be confident - because I must get this job - and, oh my god, I'm so frightened. I simply cannot fail. I'll rip myself to shreds if I do... I know I cannot control myself.
That aside I've also been organising a ball which is taking place this friday. Money and budget and setting up has all gone to shit and well, I really don't have the time or the sanity to be dealing with it. But I must. Not to mention that that's the whole of Friday and Saturday where I can't work on my precious essay. FUCK. And I'll still be fat having to host everyone and smile and fit in. I mean really, just my idea of HELL.
(Not to mention that it's my college christmas party thing this Wednesday - I bought a ticket, but there's no way I'm going now - because the rest of the week is stressful enough without me spending 6 hours trying (and failing) to find a dress that does not make me look fat, then trying to make myself look pretty, then getting drunk and binging till I collapse because some guy wasn't there/I couldn't fit in/my friends left me/ I break down like a lunatic.)
I can't believe I'm so fat.
This hell is all my fault.
To top it off all the depressing thoughts/suicidal daydreams have been coming back. But I know I won't die, I'll just suffer and be humiliated for being so disgusting.
But I may as well try. Laxatives, No food. Treadmill, bike, crosstrainer and resistance machines everyday. I guarantee God won't let it kill me, I bet I don't even faint.
I must torture myself all day tomorrow to deflate the tummy by Tuesday. It will be done.
And then burn/starve off as much as I can by Friday so I'm not a laughing stock.
And work on my essay at every spare moment.
Fuck everything, fuck everyone. I will fix this.
I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS