Saturday, 31 October 2009

Heading towards the light

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall.
I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight.
Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it!
I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious!
I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was.

So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was 15 – I never, ever ate enough - so clearly I’m not completely back to the good old days yet – (isn’t it weird how I need to regress to progress). But you know, progress IS being made. Oh my God.
I keep running my hands over my body, feeling the bones, beautiful, beautiful bones, resurfacing again. Oh my God I AM going to get there.
I was sitting in my jeans yesterday and they were SO baggy around the crotch area – I couldn’t believe it! I pulled the waistband and was astonished – it didn’t sit snugly anymore.

Monday sees me return to college… and the beautiful boy will be there.
He hasn’t left my thoughts since we were out last Thursday. It’s annoying and ridiculous because I know I’m just convincing myself that I am crazy about him now. And these feelings are not good. Not, not good. Although… it does make me want to lose more weight… faster.
Damn. I don’t want to see him. Why oh why do I have to like him?! Nothing’s even happened and I’m already stressed and miserable!

And Friday – well, Friday…
On Friday I will return to University for a Dinner Night with my old society. We had a Dinner Night every year and all the old graduates would return to see everyone– so now it’s time for my old graduated face to return.
I’m excited obviously. I’m going to see all my best friends from uni and get to catch up with what they’ve been doing, but most importantly, I want to go to show everyone how well I’m doing. I want them to see a successful, stunning girl, living the life in London. Moved on from them and their binge drinking and eating, moved on from the slimy boys and slutty girls, moved on to something better, something thinner, something more sensational. Ha. I am such a little-miss-stuck-up-bitch. What nice person thinks like this? And of course many of my old lovers will be there – and clearly it is very, very important that their eyes pop out of their heads when they see me. I want them to see just how far out of their league I am now.
Because it’s true: I have moved on. I’m very happy now I’m back in London, now I’m on a good track, moving towards a good career, with good people, good routine, good vibes, good vision. At uni, I was just a messed up, self-loathing bulimic stumbling through each day. And I really fucked up. I could never have been in control and restricting like this at uni. It was just too fucked up there.

Anyway. I want to lose half a stone by Friday.
I know, insane right. But, if I eat like 200ish calories a day or less until then, it could be done… right? Man, all I know is that I’m a stone lighter than when I left uni.
…HOLY CRAP did you hear that?!? I’m a stone lighter than when I was at the last Dinner Night earlier this year.
I mean that’s amazing, really, but… it’s not enough. I want another half a stone gone in a week. And I will starve until I faint and use laxatives until I crumble with pain if that’s what it takes.

Because I will turn up at that Dinner Night and make people see: Ophelia Won.

Darling girls and boys. Believe. Have faith. STAY STRONG. Because we sure as hell can win this battle. I genuinely didn’t believe I’d beat the binging and purging.
I predicted in April… ‘In November the rain is grey…’
I didn’t think I’d ever get back to bones and happiness.
But I’m fucking getting there. It’s November tomorrow and there’s no grey. Its going to be very, very L-I-G-H-T :)

Ophelia x x x

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Too much voltage

I’ve fallen for the most beautiful guy.
And nothing hurts more.
I’ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen.
My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs.

I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair.
In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain.
All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak.

I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely?

He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I put it…
I was standing in the queue with my friends waiting to get into a posh club in London, and suddenly I see him crossing the road towards us: And my jaw dropped.

Never in my whole life has my jaw dropped at the sight of a guy – and I’ve been with some stunners. He simply took my breath away. There’s something so irresistible about him to me – and just me.
All I wanted to do was kiss him. I wanted to feel the rush of the electricity when two charged sparks connected.
My God, it hurts.

He’s in my lecture group and obviously I’ve spoken to him before and was attracted to him since we met. But last night was just too much voltage – my emotions were scorching– I fell so completely – old wounds burning.

And now I have to be conscious that he’s around every day I’m in college.
And I have to look great.
Even if he doesn’t like me.
ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t like me.

And he will never like me.

I can tell you the story now, even before I come back to this blog in tears to write it:
He turns me down, he avoids me, he pulls another girl I know, he doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me. Not me, not me, not me - never me.

I'm shrinking at a good, steady pace but I can't afford to let a guy make me lose control and binge. I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful. Most of my podge has gone, but I'm not skinny. I may look good compared to average girls, but my thighs are still far too muscular, my butt is as round as Marylin Monroe's, my upper arms are actually still fat, my face is still round, and I still have about 30 pounds to lose! You need to be a waif to pull off TRUE glamour. I want to be one of the sensational, stunning London girls, striding through the classiest clubs all long limbs, cheekbones and flowing hair.
I am never going to let anyone stand in my way of that goal. I cannot have feelings for this guy. I have got to let go of all my weaknesses. He is a weakness. All men are a weakness. I will not let my body fall victim to the abuse of men. You can't let emotions rule you if you want to be successful. Men have always distracted me, kept me unbalanced and unhappy - they kept me unfocused and unable to control myself.

Someone can only hurt you if you have feelings for them.
I’ve fallen, against my will.
Instead of buzzing with happiness and excitement, I feel cold and sad and sick inside from fear.
I fell.
I’m waiting for the aching desire to turn to hollow pain.

I’m waiting for him to hurt me.


P.S. Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post. It was so comforting to know so many of you understood. I am trying to get back to all of you, bear with me. You guys are my lifeline in a world where I have to be so fake to fit in.


Thursday, 15 October 2009

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week.
But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered...

I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle.
Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me.
Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about food, love going out to buy food, love getting nice things to eat, etc, etc. It's shit when everyday they eat and you can't/won't. It's shit, shit, shit.
Now, I could just sit on my own during this four-hour break - go out and walk or something - but then I'd have no friends. I either have an easy, untroubled anorexic life without friends OR put on a lying mask of happy pretence and have good friends.

So I told you in my last post that I admitted to one of these girls that I was bulimic after I drunkenly shoved my fingers down my throat in the middle of the street to make myself sick (an almost unconscious reflex action for me now whenever I have stuff inside my stomach). Well she hasn't said anything to me about it since, and likewise I haven't said anything more to her.
Did she tell the others? I don't know. I just have to trust and hope that she didn't.
But she did say at the time, that she had thought I had an ED because I never ate at lunch. So, do the other girls have suspicions too? I don't know. But there isn't really any way I can pretend to eat every day, so, let them think what they want.

Today, during the lunchtime conversation, one girl began talking about the sister of her friend and described her as 'really anorexic'. And of course everyone was just like "omg, why don't they just eat, I'd never do that," blah blah blah, and the girl went on on to say, her friend had said "Yeah I had anorexia, but at least I was 14 not 20!"
"Exactly, I mean come on, anorexic when you're 20? God how pathetic!"
I sat through this whole conversation starting at my book. I was gripping it so hard my knuckles were white.
I'm 22.
You're fucking telling me that it's not socially acceptable to have an eating disorder when you're an adult?! It's ok when you're young and silly, and it's 'just a phase' is that it?! Just a phase?! Oh, how pathetic that you're so stupid to have anorexia when you're so old!

If I had any balls I'd have stood up and defended all the girls and young women like me, the people who read this blog and whose blogs I follow, women who I love and respect, who have to deal with stupid fucking prejudices like that.
But I just sat there
Staring at the page
With white knuckles.


I just want to be thin.

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends,
It must be really nice to be happy with your 'womanly' hips and your soft belly.
I'm genuinely very happy for you.
I don't hate you for it. I accept it.
- So why do you 'normal' girls hate anorexics so much?
- Why can't you just be happy for me how I am?

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Irresponsible post.

It was the Fresher's Party for my law school a few days ago.

You can already tell I fucked it up can't you.

I got drunk. I mean annihilated. Threw up everywhere.
My new friends... superficial friends - don't like girls that behave like me.
I told a girl I was bulimic - after I had to stick two fingers down my throat outside a new London club to get the liquid poison out.
"I could tell," she said, "You never eat."
I'd be amazed if those girls are still friendly with me on Monday.
I hadn't planned on acting like trash, but I hadn't eaten for days and my starving body couldn't take the alcohol
...and as standard, drunk and blacked out from sickness, without a sensation in my body, I ate and ate and ate - until I thought my heart was going to stop - but I wasn't scared.

Holly yes, I do believe. I've done it before. I'm doing it again. Stay with me. Be strong, you deserve happiness.

The pretty, paper mask is crumbling.

But it's so easy to avoid eating. I don't miss it and I don't desire it.
I get up at 7:30am, leave at 8:30am, avoid food all day, come home at 7pm and throw away the food my mum leaves me for dinner. Whenever I feel a tingle of hunger I look at the calorie numbers and it goes away. I don't need food. I don't want that disgusting shit in my body.
I actually don't need food.

It's such a fucking con.
We. Don't. Need. Food.

Eating disorders kill.

It feels like I'm just waiting now.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

I'm fine

I'm trying so desperately to be normal.
I've started a new life...with new surroundings...
and a new me
...a new me which is a fabrication
a lie
a wish
...everything I want to be.

I've had a couple of full days at law school now.
A nice, pleasant, friendly girl.
Very NICE.

I am the girl whose scars you cannot see,
I am the girl who won't eat in front of you,
I am the girl who desperately wants to pull out her pocket mirror every 5 minutes
but struggles to keep the monster at bay,

because I don't want anyone to know she exists.
I don't want to be the girl with the disorder.
I don't want to be the monster.

My body is the weakest it has been in a long time.
I'm not sure how much longer it can take.
It's scary, but I have to be realistic. I'm fucking fragile right now. I press my hands to my forehead and I can feel my cold skull breaking through my papery skin.
I can't eat tomorrow.
I almost fainted throwing up today.
And then I ate. about 2000 calories.
I won't eat tomorrow and I won't even feel hungry.
I won't sleep.
I'll walk 6 miles. I'll do 100 sit-ups.
Keep going. I won't stop.
Working, writing, making notes in pretty colours, asking questions in class with a massive smile on my face because I'm the nice, normal girl in your class at law school.

Hello, my name is Ophelia...

I'm fine...
how are you?