Sunday, 27 September 2009

Pretty red beads bloom around my arms;
A chain,
Which I can never cut through
Never deep enough -
I just Maintain
Lord Mirror - The King -
Everyday I kneel
Before a cold ceramic ring
with a bottomless pool reflection.
False idol, you would never tell me lies -
I choke
on the ashes of your face;
And bleed
by the daggers of your eyes.
-You have such pretty eyes-
Glass vision
never falters
always staring me back down
because you know I’ll never break you back
Even when it all goes black.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Law School

I have returned from my overseas travels, sunburnt and pimply... yuck. Ok so I'm only sunburt on my shoulders and have like 3 spots but still, really, really not what I needed for my first day of law school.
How was it?
Better than expected to tell you the truth.
I had this image that everyone one there would be really intelligent, really boring and really aloof, but actually everyone I met seemed really nice and down-to-earth. I met two girls at the start who were really lovely and I hope I stay friends with them for the rest of the year, we seemed to have a lot in common. Of course there are loads of beautiful, thin girls in my lecture group, but not overwhelmingly so, like I had imagined.
In my class there are two pretty girls, one ugly large girl and the rest are average... (I know I'm a superficial bitch describing people this way.) There are two - maybe three - attractive guys, but none of them hit me in the face saying w-o-w, and that's probably a good thing as the last thing I want to do is get involved with a guy in my class.
All in all, I'm probably average weight at law school. At uni I was probably at the prettier end of the scale but here I'm probably average in looks as well - which is better than what I had feared that everyone would be absolutely stunning.
My eating is staying low at the moment and I can't complain too much... I'm not as fat as I could be right now. However, I still can't fit into 90% of my wardrobe - or rather 90% of my wardrobe is unflattering and I will only wear when I'm thin enough... don't ask... I just can't wear it...
So anyway, I think the eating should be staying low while I'm here because I'm out all day and keeping busy and won't have money to buy meals in London, so the plan is breakfast (bowl of porridge made with water), a banana at lunch, and then some fruit/veg/meat/nothing? in the evening when I come home.
I'm feeling quite positive at the moment, I don't know why. Even though I'm still way off the mark and am so not thin enough, I feel like I'm getting there. I'm just not going to let any shit get in my way. There is no room for depression in my life. As far as everyone in my lectures and classes knows, I am a normal, happy, healthy girl, and I'm not going to stuff that up. Believe it or not, I actually want to be normal more than anything. I'm not going to let any guy or girl make me feel shit and make me hate myself. I'm not going to have an eating disorder that is bred from unhappiness anymore. I am going to be a happy and normal girl with no issues. No more issues, no more illness. I'm just going to be anorexic so that I can feel even more happy and even more confident. From now on, my eating disorder will be bred from good things, for good reasons - starving because I feel happy and strong and because I want to better myself even more. That is not an issue :)

Monday, 14 September 2009

the other side of the world

I've been in Malaysia for the last week and am in Bangkok and Singapore for another week.
This is the first time I've had internet here in my hotel in Bangkok... even now, posting this I feel like a stranger to my blog, to this world...
I've been trying to restrict but it's been impossible.
I feel so ... lost ...
I've been visiting my mum's family (regular readers will know she's one of the tiny, doll-like, asian breed).

It's all so hard and confusing... this head.

But I haven't binged since I've been here (because all my food has been served up/chosen for me, and I haven't thrown up because I haven't had a single moment of privacy. (Even as I write this my Mum is lying on the bed behind me).

I guess it's ok out here, no one really knows me. My family members here will become forgotten and alien again to me when I fly back to my life on the other side of the world.

And yet when I do go back home, I know it will be worse than before.
I'm so afraid now.
So afraid of starting law school, and knowing that all my insecurities are going to become unbearable again, at the highest they can be, in a new place, with new people, who I'll be desperate to impress, desperate to be thinnest, prettiest, best. I can't take it. And I can't make it. I haven't made it.
It's just this horror all over again. Hating having to walk out of the door, hating having to walk into class. Looking. So. Horrible.

There's another world out there.
I love you guys. I want Ana to take me home.

* * *

EDIT: My Mum fell asleep so I binged on about 20 dried prunes covered in some thick, sticky sugary substance, three little parcels of Dodol (seriously sticky stuff) and three mini moon cakes (Chinese cakes). When I threw up some of the thin white noodles I ate for lunch (about 9 hours ago) came up - that's some seriously indigestible pasta.
(And now I'm sitting locked in the toilet writing this... what the hell!)
So, I made it 10 days in total without a binge and purge before I cracked. Longest time since... last year?!

Anyway, sorry for the depressing tirade above. I think I feel a terrible tummy bug coming on (all this Thai food... thought that place today looked a bit dodgy...) "I feel so ill I simply couldn't eat a bite Mum."

Stay skinny my loves!
x x x