heavenly

I seem to have been pretty on track recently.

But what a blatant, disgusting lie to write that now.

I have been on track
and I would still be
if it weren't for men
alcohol
and my stupid need for attention.

I showed them what they were missing. A perfect slim dress with ruffles, red ribbon, red shoes, dark hair over my shoulders, sultry makeup. I surrounded myself with boys who couldn't have me. I was out of their league. I thrive on that adrenaline beat of the dancefloor. My life revolves around what I become in that space and who other people perceive me to be.
I am the one they want.
But I'm not, not at all, not really, not in the harsh reality of sober daylight. But I know for that space of time, I am something. I am vibrant and alive, you can touch me and I can respond. In the club, under the artificial lights, I am not beauty or fragility, I am desire... a sensual but sordid desire.

It's now 7am.
I was supposed to be on a coach back home to London for the weekend at 6am.
I have been spending an average of 3 hours in the gym every day and my restricting has been perfectly controlled.

Last night was meant to be nothing. A quick drink with friends, a barely there sip of no calories. "No, I'm not coming out tonight."
How many times did I have to say it for me to realise it was a lie?
So I went out. And drank too much. Just far too much. I wasn't trashed as I could have been, but enough alcohol for me to feel disgusting.
And I am.
DISGUSTING
This belly is getting bigger, I swear, it wobbles, these arms aren't shrinking, these thighs still spread, this arse don't fucking fit.

I want to go home. I want to get away from uni. I want to be safe and far away from all these cruel temptations that want to destroy my body.
I want to be alone. I want to be alone in my pure sanctuary where nothing can pollute my life, body and soul. No alcohol, no food, no men, no sex - just purity.

As I write this Peter is in my bed
Sweating
Snoring
nothing happened
I didn't want him here, but he insisted, so I let him sleep it off
the idea of sleeping with him repulses me.
What's happened to me? I've gone off sex. I have no lust left in my body except for Ana.

I need to get away from my friends for this purity. I need to be alone.
I love my eating disorder.
And there can only be two in this relationship.
and I don't want anyone else.

It is my end of year ball next Saturday. I have 10 days.
10 day fast :) Perfect.
Get this shit out of my body. Get the alcohol out of my blood. Get all the toxic emotions out of my soul. I'm going to sweat this sickness out of my body and burn the burden off my bones.

This fast is going to be heavenly
this determination is going to kill me
and release me from hell

I leave uni in under a month, forever.
This life ends.
This fast is going to be heavenly
and release me from hell