Skip to main content

Nurse R

I really miss James.

There, I said it.
He was one of the few people that knew about me. He was one of the few people I could tell.

Well, it's lost now, what can I do... it taught me never to tell people.

It makes me very sad in a way, because I know I could never have a good relationship that worked with a guy. I'd make him so miserable. I feel incredibly sorry for any man that would truly love me, for I would just treat him like crap and push him out of my life. The truth is, I don't think I could live with anyone. I love being able to come back to my flat, take off my restrictive clothing, wash off all the makeup and remove all the pins from my hair and just be myself as I am naturally. I do love that... but only so long as nobody can see me. There is no way that I would ever let any guy that I was dating see me in such a state - so how on earth could I live with them, or even marry them! The idea is horrifying to me.

What I really don't get is a guy that would love me 'for who I really am'. No, any guy that loved me for who I really am would have to be crazier than I am, and lets face it, crazy isn't sexy. If a guy were to see me naked and without makeup and still love me, yeah, I'm sorry, that would freak me out - he'd clearly be either completely insane, blind or just plain desperate.

Soooo I have booked an appointment to see my Eating Disorders nurse on Tuesday.
I've been at home in London for the past week (due to a complete breakdown in the days before and following my last post) and as a result of being at home, the old binging and purging has sky-rocketed again. (At uni I don't keep any food in my flat so it's impossible to binge unless I go to the shops, and once I get inside a supermarket I always go into uber obsessive mode, pacing up and down the aisles, looking at every packet for calories, pace up and down some more, and then leave empty handed. - Anyone watching me on CCTV must think I'm either a thief or just escaped from a mental hospital.)
Anyway, yeah, following the standard binging on whole loaves of bread/boxes of cereal, throwing up and repeating the process over and over again, I decided that I needed to give it up and go back to eating three meals a day like normal people (cos this binge-eating was giving me the wobbly belly from hell!) Erm... but three meals a day?! Really?! I'd rather be Ana... and going to the eating disorders nurse may help me lose Mia, but isn't going to help me get back Ana.

My resolution: Prove that I do not binge until Tuesday. Get back Ana. Cancel the appointment with the nurse - I hate that woman - it seems like every conversation we have is about how curvy is beautiful - Fucking hell IT IS NOT! I just need to lose the binge and purge on my own and get back control to restrict properly again.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

With all my everlasting love, Goodbye...

Well, I got the job. I spent the last three weeks living and breathing the company and the role, preparing myself completely for the onslaught of interviews. Every spare moment pouring over economics textbooks, business journals and newspapers, paperbacks and online resources. I did everything I could to get that job. I sat on the train on my journey home with my eyes closed and sent my thoughts up to the sky please let me get it, please, please I start in 4 weeks, straight after I finish at the school. Right back in the centre of the City of London. where I belong . where I can thrive, work hard and play hard back to my best whatever that best is I got the call to say I'd been offered the job in the middle of my therapy session. I was overjoyed. My therapist congratulated me. We talked about the incredible progress I had made. We talked about the end... We decided that my last session will be the week before I start my new job. The sun was shining outside, I felt invin

The Hardest Post...

. This is the hardest post I have ever had to write. I apologise if it's sporadic and raw. This is everything from the last two months. When I went away with Alex for a weekend on the 16th July and when we went away for the second time on the 13th August. How things became incredible. How things fell apart. The writing in red is what I have written today - my input now - the writing in black is what I wrote on the date stated. Written on 19th July 2010 The dream is not a dream. It exists. I tasted it. I lived it. The happiness of my childhood is not dead. It lives around me – in other children, in other families. I walked hand-in-hand with Alex through the gardens of Chatsworth House, listening to the laughter of children, watching old couples sitting on the wall eating huge cones of soft white ice cream. Seeing families all around me. Joy, happiness, laughter, innocence, contentment, fulfilment. I was right all along. I knew it. I knew it! I had known all along what

Winning

A narrative of the last few days… So Friday was the big day. I went back to my university town for the Annual Dinner Night of my old society. All present members and all alumni – all my best friends, all my old lovers, and the place that made and broke my reputation. Thursday: all I ate all day were two sweets. And I only ate them because M offered them to me on two separate occasions in the library. (M – the law school guy I can’t stop myself from being besotted with.) I was convinced that I looked terrible that day so I hid in the library at law school during our break. I hadn’t seen M all week, but that day, I left my desk for two minutes and returned to find he had sat himself two seats away. I was mortified and pretended not to see him… although from that point on I found it impossible to concentrate on my books… He spoke to me first, and obviously when he offered me a sweet I couldn’t say no for fear of looking weird / seeming rude. Anyway, straight after my day at college was ov